JEWISH JOKES – you do not have license to tell these unless you are a Jew…

There's a big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the  fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

 

5762 Year according to Jewish calendar

4699 Year according to Chinese calendar

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1066 = Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food

 

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

"Is ANYTHING all right?"

 

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

 

Sam Levy is driving down the road, and he gets pulled over by a policeman.

Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles

back." Sam replies, "Thank God for that...I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"

 

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."

 

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 3 days."

The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 3 days?"The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

 

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful. What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

 

Jewish telegram:  "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

 

Seymour Schwartz crosses the street without looking when he’s struck by a car. A policeman rushes to his aid, covers him with a blanket to reduce shock and says, “I’ll call for an ambulance. Are you comfortable?”

To which Mr. Schwartz replies, “I make a nice living.”

 

Not a Jewish story, but O.T. nevertheless…

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

 "What's the problem, Eve?"

 "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

 "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

 "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

 "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution.  I shall create a man for you."

 "What's a man, Lord?"

 "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

 "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

 "Well... you can have him on one condition."

 "What's that, Lord?"

 "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.  Just remember, it's our little secret...you know, woman to woman."

 

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days"?

"Force yourself," she replied.

 

Straying even further from the category...

Tendjewberrymud

Meant to be read aloud (for the full effect). Its amazing, you will understand what 'tendjewberrymud' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for best e-mail of 1999.

 The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

 

 Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

 Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

 

 RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

 G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

 

 RS: "Ow July den?"

 G: "What??"

 

 RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

 G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

 

 RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

 G: "Crisp will be fine."

 RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

 G: "What?"

 

 RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

 G: "I don't think so"

 

 RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

 G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

 

 RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow

 inglish mopping we bother?"

 G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying

 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

 

 RS: "We bother?"

 G: "No...just put the bother on the side."

 

 RS: "Wad?"

 G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

 

 RS: "Copy?"

 G: "Sorry?"

 

 RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

 G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

 

 RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye?"

 G: "Whatever you say"

 RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

 G : "You're welcome."